Where in the world do I come from? I could not have come from this perfect system. I don't quite seem to fit in.
I would definitely give all of my worthless clothes to my sisters. They must've look even more beautiful in them.
Well, I regret all those times fighting with my little sister over this rotten teddy bear. I will just give it to her.
Oh! My precious-no-more laptop and the digital collections of mine! I will let my brother have them. He would like that.
My mother and father? They'll have the rests of the things that left. I don't need all of these anymore
There… they would be very happy now, wouldn't they?
Oh god! I forgot about my boyfriend! Well, sometimes I think that I don't deserve him. I bet he'll be happy too without me
I think I would give him back all the old, forgotten love letters and presents that he used to give me. He can also have my diary for sure. That is of course if he even wants it. Why would he even bother wanting to read a story about this sick-minded girl?
One final thing; perhaps I should write that down before I pull this trigger…
Friday, October 3, 2008
The Mirror
I'm supposed to be dead. Am I dead? But I'm still breathing now. What happened? I thought I had already slit my wrist that night. I'm sure that I've been gone for seconds. But why am I lying on this hospital bed right now? Do I want to live?
There, my boyfriend came through the door. I knew him. But do I? I killed myself for him isn't it? He hurt me even worse than when I hurt myself. Inside of me had already died before I'm gone. I'm breathing but dying inside. Why?
I'm home now; in the very room where I try to die, in front of that mirror, the white floor that was covered with blood before had been clean off. But in my mind, it still is stained with blood, my own blood...
He lay beside me now, asleep. I almost closed my eyes when I heard his voice calling me. I looked at him but he is sound asleep. I thought he called me. But then I heard that very same voice calling to me. It came from the mirror.
I get up and went to the mirror. From inside the mirror, the voice asked me, "Do you remember?"
And memories floated my mind... on the other side of the mirror, the girl slit her wrist while me from this side of the mirror is dying out of an uncured disease. I wanted to live so much that my spirit flown out and went through the mirror to that other world and entered her body so that I can live...
As he stretch out his hands for me through the mirror, I grabbed it and went back to my world with this different body. From here, I can see that the guy from the other side of the mirror is looking for me, looking for something that he had left broken before, looking for something that no longer exist...
There, my boyfriend came through the door. I knew him. But do I? I killed myself for him isn't it? He hurt me even worse than when I hurt myself. Inside of me had already died before I'm gone. I'm breathing but dying inside. Why?
I'm home now; in the very room where I try to die, in front of that mirror, the white floor that was covered with blood before had been clean off. But in my mind, it still is stained with blood, my own blood...
He lay beside me now, asleep. I almost closed my eyes when I heard his voice calling me. I looked at him but he is sound asleep. I thought he called me. But then I heard that very same voice calling to me. It came from the mirror.
I get up and went to the mirror. From inside the mirror, the voice asked me, "Do you remember?"
And memories floated my mind... on the other side of the mirror, the girl slit her wrist while me from this side of the mirror is dying out of an uncured disease. I wanted to live so much that my spirit flown out and went through the mirror to that other world and entered her body so that I can live...
As he stretch out his hands for me through the mirror, I grabbed it and went back to my world with this different body. From here, I can see that the guy from the other side of the mirror is looking for me, looking for something that he had left broken before, looking for something that no longer exist...
The Guy I Admired Most
It's a very extra-ordinary feeling for me to have. Nevertheless, it's beautiful… I like the way he smells. It's like how angles ought to smell. I like the way he put his t-shirt on. It fits him well. Everything seems to fit him well. And most of all, I love him for him. I knew him since we were in primary school. I remember the first day I met him. He's so vulnerable, so weak, yet so interesting…
The kids in school, they bullied him and I'm the one who came to his rescue. I was well-known for my coldness nature, my wealthy family, and how I've brutally fought back those who had tried to bring me down. They all were very frightened of me. Thus, nobody since then ever dare to lay their hands on him again.
We became close afterwards. No matter how cold I behave towards him, he never left my side; he always there for me. Though I treat him bad, he seems to know that he held a very special place inside my heart.
I was rather sad today though I do not cry. He's leaving soon. He'll be studying in New York. I'm happy for him; I really do no matter how much I hide those feelings. Neither he nor anyone knows how I really feel inside. He said that I'm a good friend. That's all I'd ever be for him, I guess. But it startled me that when he had his luggage and ready to walk out the gate, he came back to me and kiss my cheek. I'll never forget the words he said that very last moment of seeing his face, "You've been really good to me. You will always be a guy whom I admired most. I love you…" And tears fall down my cheek…
The kids in school, they bullied him and I'm the one who came to his rescue. I was well-known for my coldness nature, my wealthy family, and how I've brutally fought back those who had tried to bring me down. They all were very frightened of me. Thus, nobody since then ever dare to lay their hands on him again.
We became close afterwards. No matter how cold I behave towards him, he never left my side; he always there for me. Though I treat him bad, he seems to know that he held a very special place inside my heart.
I was rather sad today though I do not cry. He's leaving soon. He'll be studying in New York. I'm happy for him; I really do no matter how much I hide those feelings. Neither he nor anyone knows how I really feel inside. He said that I'm a good friend. That's all I'd ever be for him, I guess. But it startled me that when he had his luggage and ready to walk out the gate, he came back to me and kiss my cheek. I'll never forget the words he said that very last moment of seeing his face, "You've been really good to me. You will always be a guy whom I admired most. I love you…" And tears fall down my cheek…
My Three Best-Friends
My three best-friends will always be there for me…
Oh! What would I be without my three dear friends…
The first one will always be there for me to help me coping with the stress in my every pitiful day
The second one will always help to put me to sleep when I think too much and I could not close my eyes
And my last one was very quiet and static but it shines and reflects all the light that surrounds me. Oh! The only one who would end my sorrowful life and bring me happiness
Well now, without them I would never know how to live
But, I do believe that everything that live will certainly die
It'll be sad to leave them behind.
Oh! My precious anti-depressant pills, sleeping pills and my sharp knife,
You will always be here in my heart as my three best-friends….
Oh! What would I be without my three dear friends…
The first one will always be there for me to help me coping with the stress in my every pitiful day
The second one will always help to put me to sleep when I think too much and I could not close my eyes
And my last one was very quiet and static but it shines and reflects all the light that surrounds me. Oh! The only one who would end my sorrowful life and bring me happiness
Well now, without them I would never know how to live
But, I do believe that everything that live will certainly die
It'll be sad to leave them behind.
Oh! My precious anti-depressant pills, sleeping pills and my sharp knife,
You will always be here in my heart as my three best-friends….
My Beautiful Life
This is not a love story. Cause I don't believe in love stories. This is hatred. My life revolves around it. Some of you might ever have been through the same but I wonder if you are capable enough to do what I've done and what I'm about to do. Would you guys out there be kind enough to me by reading what I have wrote here, please? Listen to my story…
Ever since when I was little, I've been brutally abused by my father. Yes… my father since birth. Since my mom died, all he ever does is to hurt me as if her death was the result of my fault; the fault of a six year-old fragile child of his. He was then captured several years later and I've been sent to the orphanage. Unfortunately, he's been abusing me long enough to completely change me. I'm no longer the little sweet innocence fragile child. Every bruises, every cuts, every tears, every hatred he put in me created the new me. And I think this is all that I ever deserve to feel in this wicked world.
It wasn't so happy living in the orphanage. Though they were being nice to me and all, I can't help but hate them. Maybe the hatred have been buried deep in me that I can't help but only hate everyone except for myself.
At the age of 21, leaving the orphanage makes me feel alive and had become a starting point for me. It's time for me to change the world. This is my destiny.
It begins when I was driving in my car and I parked it outside of a store one night around 2 A.M. a guy came into my car and shove a knife at my waist telling me to keep quiet. I don't like the way he look at me. I hate him. So I struggle with him for his knife. I suddenly become so strong and full of spirit. And when I finally got it, I strike it straight into his chest. Oh! My God! I'm so happy! I love his screams; the sound of it chilled me out. The sight of his blood pouring out of him was beautiful. Oh, before I forget, I really like the fact that he is now scared and slowly, barely, got out of my car with tears of pain. He was such a baby! It's really is an exciting experience for me. Oh! The good old days! It was the first time I ever remembered being happy.
To tell you the truth, I don't really care if he really strikes that knife into me. I don't even care if I die. I would've welcomed it. Well, however, I still would love to know what it's like to feel to take somebody's life. Oh! I'm laughing hysterically as I wrote this! I'm happy! I'm so happy!
Hmmm…. When was it that I felt that same sensation again, huh? Oh! Yeah! The time when I killed that stupid old man! It was a bit different from the first time. This is far more exciting and thrilling! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
I went to a trip out of town last Monday. That stupid old man was silly enough to start to flirt with me when it's obvious that I wasn't interested. He even invited me to his hotel room that night. Huh! I would really love to satisfy my passion after all. As soon as I got into his room before he could get his dirty hands on me, I sliced his stomach open! What a wonderful sight! I love it! Love it! As he screamed, I sliced some more and more and more and more! Until he stopped screaming that is… I've never felt so wonderful!
It's already a long time since I last seen the man who created me. I heard that he was already out of prison for so long and was working somewhere I knew to improve himself. I really would like to meet him and thank him for making me this way. He would've loved to see his long-lost daughter. This will be my third happiness… I'm on my way to see him now. I'll make it really long and painful. What a beautiful life I had!!
Ever since when I was little, I've been brutally abused by my father. Yes… my father since birth. Since my mom died, all he ever does is to hurt me as if her death was the result of my fault; the fault of a six year-old fragile child of his. He was then captured several years later and I've been sent to the orphanage. Unfortunately, he's been abusing me long enough to completely change me. I'm no longer the little sweet innocence fragile child. Every bruises, every cuts, every tears, every hatred he put in me created the new me. And I think this is all that I ever deserve to feel in this wicked world.
It wasn't so happy living in the orphanage. Though they were being nice to me and all, I can't help but hate them. Maybe the hatred have been buried deep in me that I can't help but only hate everyone except for myself.
At the age of 21, leaving the orphanage makes me feel alive and had become a starting point for me. It's time for me to change the world. This is my destiny.
It begins when I was driving in my car and I parked it outside of a store one night around 2 A.M. a guy came into my car and shove a knife at my waist telling me to keep quiet. I don't like the way he look at me. I hate him. So I struggle with him for his knife. I suddenly become so strong and full of spirit. And when I finally got it, I strike it straight into his chest. Oh! My God! I'm so happy! I love his screams; the sound of it chilled me out. The sight of his blood pouring out of him was beautiful. Oh, before I forget, I really like the fact that he is now scared and slowly, barely, got out of my car with tears of pain. He was such a baby! It's really is an exciting experience for me. Oh! The good old days! It was the first time I ever remembered being happy.
To tell you the truth, I don't really care if he really strikes that knife into me. I don't even care if I die. I would've welcomed it. Well, however, I still would love to know what it's like to feel to take somebody's life. Oh! I'm laughing hysterically as I wrote this! I'm happy! I'm so happy!
Hmmm…. When was it that I felt that same sensation again, huh? Oh! Yeah! The time when I killed that stupid old man! It was a bit different from the first time. This is far more exciting and thrilling! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
I went to a trip out of town last Monday. That stupid old man was silly enough to start to flirt with me when it's obvious that I wasn't interested. He even invited me to his hotel room that night. Huh! I would really love to satisfy my passion after all. As soon as I got into his room before he could get his dirty hands on me, I sliced his stomach open! What a wonderful sight! I love it! Love it! As he screamed, I sliced some more and more and more and more! Until he stopped screaming that is… I've never felt so wonderful!
It's already a long time since I last seen the man who created me. I heard that he was already out of prison for so long and was working somewhere I knew to improve himself. I really would like to meet him and thank him for making me this way. He would've loved to see his long-lost daughter. This will be my third happiness… I'm on my way to see him now. I'll make it really long and painful. What a beautiful life I had!!
Light And Darkness
I always wanted to write a story about rains. It could be anything; things that happen in the rain or things that happen because of the rain. Whatever situations it might be, I only want people to remember this story that every time when it rains, they could imagine it and think of it.
Cold, unwelcome drops of water hit his face again. He didn't know what time it is but it's getting late. It was so dark out here. His people used to say that many bad things happen when it gets dark. The light is considered to be good and the dark is evil. If it is so, then why is it that God created both light and darkness? Nobody ever answered that question for him. But he has the answer.
He can feel now that his hands are shaking, the clothes are soaked with water. Rain wasn't on his side today. He used to like it when it rains. He kept on walking to meet the sight of his house. But before he could take another step forward, the house, his house, is no longer of what he could remember. Nothing was ever as before. Maybe they all have been away from here. His family wouldn't be here anymore. He was well aware of that. All that was left are memories.
Though the memories weren't as lively as it could ever be, he is still not so happy with what he is now….
Nonetheless, he has to accept the fact that he has to get away from there as soon as possible. The day is coming in. He needs to find shelter; no, not a shelter from the rain. And he couldn't afford to go inside his old house as a shelter for him from the light. His people were all wrong. No. it isn't the darkness that he's afraid of. God created both light and darkness because of life. And for him, the darkness was his source of life and the evil light will only kill him.
Cold, unwelcome drops of water hit his face again. He didn't know what time it is but it's getting late. It was so dark out here. His people used to say that many bad things happen when it gets dark. The light is considered to be good and the dark is evil. If it is so, then why is it that God created both light and darkness? Nobody ever answered that question for him. But he has the answer.
He can feel now that his hands are shaking, the clothes are soaked with water. Rain wasn't on his side today. He used to like it when it rains. He kept on walking to meet the sight of his house. But before he could take another step forward, the house, his house, is no longer of what he could remember. Nothing was ever as before. Maybe they all have been away from here. His family wouldn't be here anymore. He was well aware of that. All that was left are memories.
Though the memories weren't as lively as it could ever be, he is still not so happy with what he is now….
Nonetheless, he has to accept the fact that he has to get away from there as soon as possible. The day is coming in. He needs to find shelter; no, not a shelter from the rain. And he couldn't afford to go inside his old house as a shelter for him from the light. His people were all wrong. No. it isn't the darkness that he's afraid of. God created both light and darkness because of life. And for him, the darkness was his source of life and the evil light will only kill him.
Have A Moment With Me
Hey you there, do you have a moment to spare with me? I want to know if anyone out there ever feels the way I felt. It used to be small matters but now the urge is getting deeper.
Do you feel alone? Not alone as being left alone but alone when everyone is there for you but not really was there for you. Do you ever feel that? Do you ever wonder if they really love you?
What does it feel like to be so insignificant? So unneeded and unwanted? How deep was that pain?
Have you ever been misunderstood? You have good intentions, you just wanted to help. But they don't need you, they don't want you. Then why is it that you even exist?
Would you care to join me in this existence of nothing but merely loneliness? Deep inside so dark and cold… Alone…
Or would you want to end it?
That's a great idea! Don't you think? Let's end this… Yes, let us feel the sting of that sharp knife to our hands, those sweet sensations of pain, the beauty of the color the blood possess, the wondrous amount of it…
Nevertheless, it's still painful when I see their faces through the unseen dimension, why do they look so sad?
Do you feel alone? Not alone as being left alone but alone when everyone is there for you but not really was there for you. Do you ever feel that? Do you ever wonder if they really love you?
What does it feel like to be so insignificant? So unneeded and unwanted? How deep was that pain?
Have you ever been misunderstood? You have good intentions, you just wanted to help. But they don't need you, they don't want you. Then why is it that you even exist?
Would you care to join me in this existence of nothing but merely loneliness? Deep inside so dark and cold… Alone…
Or would you want to end it?
That's a great idea! Don't you think? Let's end this… Yes, let us feel the sting of that sharp knife to our hands, those sweet sensations of pain, the beauty of the color the blood possess, the wondrous amount of it…
Nevertheless, it's still painful when I see their faces through the unseen dimension, why do they look so sad?
My First And My Last True Love... (My Feelings Over The Death Of My Bf)
You've been gone for so long...
And yet, I still remember these...
i remember when we first met,
u always look at me,
and i always looked away...
i remember our first date,
u just sit there and watch me,
i did the same...
i remember our first kiss,
i start the kiss,
u broke the kiss...
i remember our first time,
i said 'no',
u insisted,
i cried,
u cried too...
i wish i could make that moment stay,
i wish i could turn back time...
now,
i remember our last time,
u never wanna stop,
i'm very mad at you that i leave...
i remember our last kiss,
u smells like cigarette, with that sweet scent of ur perfume,
i'm flying high and i tell you that that was the best kiss ever...
i remember our last date,
u went shopping with me even though u hated to do that before
u are so different that day
but i feel happy
i should've known better...
i remember the last time we met,
u just lie there on the bed, u're not moving, u're eyes closed,
i held ur hands, u held mine back.
it was warm and assuring, i remember how it felt until now...
u've been coma for three weeks...
and that was all...
u left me here alone...
u left me here wishing that i could turn back time
and make all of our last as our first again...
do u know that every night i'll sing songs for you?
and drop tears for you?
and laugh for you?
every night, i wish you were there...
i even cry when i wrote this...
coz u're never coming back to me...
do u know that even when i was with someone else,
i wish he was u?
do u know that i'll do anything to ever swicth place with u?
so that u're the one who will write this while crying remembering me...?
do u know how much i missed u? and loved u?
i will meet u again...
untill that day, i never had my heart open for anyone...
u're my first and my last true love...
i will wait until the day that i die,
so that i can see u again, my love...
i love you... ...
In Loving Memory of
Wan Mohd Hasraf b. Wan Ibrahim
(1985-2006)
And yet, I still remember these...
i remember when we first met,
u always look at me,
and i always looked away...
i remember our first date,
u just sit there and watch me,
i did the same...
i remember our first kiss,
i start the kiss,
u broke the kiss...
i remember our first time,
i said 'no',
u insisted,
i cried,
u cried too...
i wish i could make that moment stay,
i wish i could turn back time...
now,
i remember our last time,
u never wanna stop,
i'm very mad at you that i leave...
i remember our last kiss,
u smells like cigarette, with that sweet scent of ur perfume,
i'm flying high and i tell you that that was the best kiss ever...
i remember our last date,
u went shopping with me even though u hated to do that before
u are so different that day
but i feel happy
i should've known better...
i remember the last time we met,
u just lie there on the bed, u're not moving, u're eyes closed,
i held ur hands, u held mine back.
it was warm and assuring, i remember how it felt until now...
u've been coma for three weeks...
and that was all...
u left me here alone...
u left me here wishing that i could turn back time
and make all of our last as our first again...
do u know that every night i'll sing songs for you?
and drop tears for you?
and laugh for you?
every night, i wish you were there...
i even cry when i wrote this...
coz u're never coming back to me...
do u know that even when i was with someone else,
i wish he was u?
do u know that i'll do anything to ever swicth place with u?
so that u're the one who will write this while crying remembering me...?
do u know how much i missed u? and loved u?
i will meet u again...
untill that day, i never had my heart open for anyone...
u're my first and my last true love...
i will wait until the day that i die,
so that i can see u again, my love...
i love you... ...
In Loving Memory of
Wan Mohd Hasraf b. Wan Ibrahim
(1985-2006)
God, Help Me!! (My Feelings Over The Death Of My Bf)
i can't let go...
i still can't let him go...
y do God took him away from me?
i miss him so bad...
i can't seem to find someone else...
it's like a curse,
i can't love somone else...
whenever i try to fall in love again,
it won't work out...
and when those relationship fails,
i remember him more...
i feel sad more than ever...
if only he's still around,
God, help me,
i'll do anything to go back to those time...
i miss him!!!
i want him!!!
life's lonely without him...
sometime before i sleep,
i think i can hear his voice...
his sweet simple voice....
i want to hear it all again...
i don't want to forget it...
it's fading away from my mind...
i don't want to forget...
the way he call my name,
the way he touch me,
the way he kiss me,
i miss him...
he said he would never leave me...
but y did he go?
y did God took him away from me?
bring him back to me...
he's the only one who can love me...
i don't remember what's it like to love anymore...
i know love makes you happy...
but when i go out with someone else,
i can only pretend to be happy...
i'm not happy!!!
bring him back to me...
i don't know what happiness is like anymore...
i only know how to cry at night...
i only know how to pretend...
i miss him...
God, help me...
if You can't bring him to me,
bring me to him...
i wanna die too...
i want him...
help me...
In Loving Memory of
Wan Mohd Hasraf b. Wan Ibrahim
(1985-2006)
i still can't let him go...
y do God took him away from me?
i miss him so bad...
i can't seem to find someone else...
it's like a curse,
i can't love somone else...
whenever i try to fall in love again,
it won't work out...
and when those relationship fails,
i remember him more...
i feel sad more than ever...
if only he's still around,
God, help me,
i'll do anything to go back to those time...
i miss him!!!
i want him!!!
life's lonely without him...
sometime before i sleep,
i think i can hear his voice...
his sweet simple voice....
i want to hear it all again...
i don't want to forget it...
it's fading away from my mind...
i don't want to forget...
the way he call my name,
the way he touch me,
the way he kiss me,
i miss him...
he said he would never leave me...
but y did he go?
y did God took him away from me?
bring him back to me...
he's the only one who can love me...
i don't remember what's it like to love anymore...
i know love makes you happy...
but when i go out with someone else,
i can only pretend to be happy...
i'm not happy!!!
bring him back to me...
i don't know what happiness is like anymore...
i only know how to cry at night...
i only know how to pretend...
i miss him...
God, help me...
if You can't bring him to me,
bring me to him...
i wanna die too...
i want him...
help me...
In Loving Memory of
Wan Mohd Hasraf b. Wan Ibrahim
(1985-2006)
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