I will not care of the time, of how I look, of how I act, of how they feel, and of anything at all. No. Not today.
I want to disappear from the world today. They won’t even notice it. They won’t know that I’m gone. No. Please just not today.
Why am I still thinking about this? There’s no sense in it. I want to taste the heat of a burning flesh. It will most definitely be my own. This whole place is a mess. And smells like gasoline…; this will be my last sense. I’ll strike up the match and watch it all burn…
As the fire eats my skin alive, I wonder why I’m screaming. Is it for the pain? Or is it for the relief that my life is ending? Thank you, this sight is beautiful. They are all shimmering and glittering now as I lost all of my senses and…
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Risiko (my 1st malay one-shot)
Ceh! Deorang ingat deorang boleh buat main ke dengan cinta? Deorg ingat deorg bleh main2 ke dgn perkataan ‘syg’? deorg ingat couple-couple ni bleh buat suka2 hati ke? Bodoh betul budak2 muda ni sume. Deorg sume tak tau yg percintaan tu adalah permulaan suatu perpisahan… deorg tak tau akan bahaya yg mendatang. Bila mereka melompat ke alm percintaan, deorg telah ambil satu risiko. Risiko yg mengundang satu perasaan yg lebih perit dari cemburu atau curiga, perasaan yg bleh mengubah seluruh pendirian kita, perasaan yang bleh mmbuat kita bukan lagi diri kita sendiri. Perasaan itu – Patah Hati.
Ye.. aku mcm deorg jgak dulu. Dengan penuh rasa ingin tahu, dgn penuh rasa tidak peduli, dgn penuh kebodohan, aku melangkah ke alm percintaan. Dia sgt cantik. Aku ingat lagi masa mule2 aku Nampak die. Mcm seorg puteri raja…. Die akn dduk kat meja mkn tepi tingkap restoran yg sama smbil menaip sesuatu dgn laptop die, buku2 yg terbuka ade kat sekeliling die dan die akn rujuk buku2 tu sebelum kembali menaip. Mmg mcm seorg puteri. Dan aku benci puteri mcm tu. Die ank org kaya. Sah2 akn dpt segala yg die nak. Aku plak ayah tinggalkan mak aku smpai mak aku terpaksa buat kerja terkutuk utk terus bela aku! Aku benci ayh aku! Tak lama lepas tu, aku sedar yg aku mula mmbenci sume org kat sekeliling aku mcm seolah2 dunia ni, cuma aku je yg tau erti penderitaan… tp perempuan tu, yg dduk kat meja mkn dan kelihatan gembira tu, mungkin lebih byk memderita dari aku…
Ini cerita tentang aku. Tentang pengorbanan, patah hati, kasih sayang dan yg lebih penting, ia mengajar kita tentang risiko sesuatu perkata. Tak kira ape yg kita buat, sentiasa ade akibatnye sama ade elok atau pun tak. Tp sentiasa ade blasan utk setiap tindakan kite. Dan lelaki bodoh mcm aku ni akan mnceritakan kisahnye dari seorg yg tak bergune kpd aku sekarang yg lebih matang wlaupun masih sedikit bodoh. Hahahah!
~~~~
Die mmg cantik. Nampak gayanye mcm ank org kaya. Ade laptop, fon 3g, ipod… ah bencinye! Lebih lagi sebenarnye, aku cemburu. Ye,aku cemburu. Aku slalu perhatikan die dr luar restoran tu.bagus jgak ye die sll plih utk dduk kat tepi tingkap yg same setiap kali. Tp niat aku perhatikan die bukan sbb aku nak jatuh cinta ke ape. Aku nak… rompak die! Org yg bleh dpt segala yg deorg nak ni kene diajar cket, biar deorg tau makna kehilangan…
Da 3 minggu straight aku perhatikan die. Aku da tau rutin die. Die akan dtg ke restoran tiap2 kali lebih kurang dlm pkul 3ptg dan akn blik dlm pkul 6 @ 6.30ptg. die akn jln ikut banggunan area shopping mall tu. pastu die akn lalu lorong blakang, jln pintas tu ke rumah die (target for attack time!). Rumah die yg kat kawasan perumahan banglo2 mewah tu (aku da agak dah!) dan setiap kali aku tgk diemasuk ke kawasn tu, aku cemburu. Aku tak dpt terus ikut die sbb kwsn tu ade pakgad. Aku just mampu tgk je puteri raja tu masuk ke kawasn istana die ke arah mahligai indah yg takkan mengecewakan. Die agak sengal sbb slame ni die tak pnah pun perasan yg aku sll perhati dan mengekori die. Bodoh! Ank org kaya mmg bodoh kot. Aku mst dpt byk duit kali ni…
Operation begins! Sebaik je die masuk lorong blakang tu,aku terus dekat dgn die dan tolak die kuat2 ke dinding. Aku kluarkan pisau dan ugut die mcm pro,”nyawa atau duit!” die cpt2 kluarkan purse die dan bg kat aku..
“amek je sume duit dlm tu. Jgn amek kad pengenalan aku sudah!” Die ckp.
Ah! Mcm la aku bodoh sgt pmpuan ni! “Aku nk buat ape dgn ic kau?!” aku jerkah dan aku cpt2 tarik beg die. Buku2 die berterabur di ats lantai.
“Buku aku!” Die jerit. “Bodoh!! Ko nak sgt duit, ko amek jer la duit! Jgn kacobuku2 aku!! Ni nyawa aku, hidup aku,kekasih aku!” wah mrh betol nmpaknye minah ni. Giler obsess ngn buku2 die beb. Die lekas2 kutep buku2 die.
“bg aku laptop ko.” Aku ckp.
Die tgk aku dgn penuh geram. “ko ni tak bersyukur langsung! Aku da bg duit kan? Jgn kaco laptop aku. Sume keje2 aku kat dlm tu penting! Penting tau tak?! Ko mmg nak kene!”
Itulah hari yang plg bersejarah dlm hidup aku. Die yg blasah aku dgn dasyatnye. Aku patah tulang rusuk dan tak kurang juga beberapa tempat yg lain berbalut kain putih. Sakit, sakit. Aku mnyesal mintak laptop die atau kacobuku2 die. Rupanya tough chick minah tu. Tp yg plg aku ingat, ayat2 die mase die blasah aku. “ko nak jd ape, hah? Tak reti bersyukur ke dgn ape yg tuhan da bg?! Ko ade kaki,ade tgn, ade mulut, sihat walafiat! Buat la bende yg berfaedah dgn sume tu! Bahlul!!! Bahlul ke-tiga belas!!!!” tp yg ironiknye. Sume duet dlm purse die, die masukan dlm poket aku sblm die pg. “jd la org yg berguna slagi ko msh bleh bernyawa.” Itu ayt die yg terakhir. Aku tak tau knape tp wkt tu, ayat tu mcm imej yg turun dr hati die dan bertukar kepada kata dgn penuh nota kesedihan.
~~~~~
Bile aku da sihat, aku perhatikan die lg dr luar restoran yg sama. Die msh mcm tu. Msh obsess dgn buku2 die, dgn laptop die. Mungkin betul ckp die, tu sume nyawa die… aku rasa perasaan benci dan cemburu yg aku rasa sebelum ni da berkembang menjadi satu perasaan yg baru. Perasaan yg mudah dtang tp susah untuk pergi – cinta. Mungkin rasa ni susah utk pergi sbb org yg aku cinta tu adalh die. Die lain… dan sblm aku sedar akn kenyataan, akn bahaya yg mendatang, aku telah hanyut…
Memandangkan aku telah hanyut, aku telah mengambil satu langkah yg baru menuju ke arah kebahagiaan dan juga… kesengsaraan. Aku mula buat kerja sambilan kat restoran tu. Aku berhenti sekolah sbb aku tak pandai pun dlm blajar dan aku taknak mak aku buat bende yg tak sepatutnye lagi utk aku. Aku akn tanggung mak aku dan diri aku sendiri. Mak aku menagis bile aku buat keputusan mcm tu. Die nk aku ade masa depan. Ape yg aku ckp kat mak aku? Dgn ikhlas, “Aiman pun nak mak ade masa depan. Kite same2 bleh capai masa depan yg cerah kan? Tak adil untuk mak. Aiman taknak mak menderita lagi. Selama ni kita berdua Cuma mnderita. Kite kene gembira. Ayah gembira kat luar sana kan? Mana adil klu kite pun tak gembira.” Mak aku nanges lebih teruk lepas tu. Aku tak pasti kenapa tp aku terus berada di sisi die waktu tu.
Nampaknye die tak ingat aku. Da byk kali aku serve die, amek order die. Die mcm tak ingat aku je.. aku ade la rasa sikit kecewa. Tp kan… lg bagus klu die tak ingt kan? Aku cube rompak die kan? So,klu die tak ingat pun lg bagus. Bleh start dr awl dgn lbih baik. Heheheh.
“ape yg ko tulis tu?” aku tnye die bile aku anta mknan die. Die akn sentiasa order bende yg sama. (nani desu ne?omotta na!). tiap kali die dtg, bile aku nak amek order die akan ckp ‘mcm biasa…’ dan tak lama lepas tu aku plak akn tnye ‘mcm biase lg eh?’ . da jd kebiasaan… mungkin hubungan aku ngn die da ade sedikit peningkatan? Aku tersenyum bile aku pikir mcm tu.
“Novel…” die kate.
“cerita psl ape?” aku tanye lg.
“psl kesunyian, kesedihan, dan kesengsaraan.” Die kate dan hati aku agaksakit bile aku dgr sume tu. Adakah ape yg die ckp tu ade menggambarkan sedikit tentang diri die sndiri?
“bagus jgak genre mcm tu. Bleh aku baca bileko da siap?” aku tnye.
“of course!” die ckp dan tersenyum manis.
Aku pun senyum. Aku mmg da nak blah dari situ tp ade lg satu yg aku rasa aku ptt ckp pd die. Klu betul sume tu yg die rasa, die tak keseorgan. Aku sendiri pun ade kisah aku masa aku sunyi,masa aku sedih,dan juga masa aku sengsara. Cuma yg berbeza Cuma situasi itu. Dan jenis kesengsaraan yg kami lalui mungkin berbeza. Tp klu kami sama2 sengsara, km tak bersendirian la kan? Sbb aku ade dan die pun ade. Rasa sengsara tu bleh satukan kita… “sunyi,sedih,sengsara… sume org pun akn lalui semua tu kan?” aku ckp dgn penuh makna tersendiri.
Die senyumlg,lebih manis kali ni dan seolah2 spt die akn menangis. “terima kasih.” Itu je yg die ckp. Mungkin die phm maksud aku.
~~~~~
Aku dgn die da jd kwn. Nama die Zulaika. Cantik kan nama tu? km berkongsi mcm2 cerita. Aku cerita kisah hidup aku, tentang ayh aku, tentang mak aku. Dan aku pun makin tau tentang die yg mmbuatkan aku rasa kehilangan wlaupun die msih ade di dpn mata aku. Die takde mak atau ayah. Sume keluarga die dah meninggal kerana satu penyakit keturunan. Die yg terakhir. Die tak bgtau aku tp aku dapat agak yg die juga menghidap penyakit yg sama. Die ckp die akn mengakhiri sumpahan keluarga die dgn kemtian die. Die taknak lagi org seterusnye menderita.mungkin sebab itu kot die sll bersendirian?
Kenapa? Kenapa akumsh berada di sisi perempuan ni? Sedangkan aku tau suatu hari nnt aku dan die akn pasti berpisah. Tp tak ape. Slagi masa msh mengizinkan kami bersama,walaupun sekejap, aku nak bersama dgn die.
“Aiman,sbb tu la aku ckplaptop aku tu penting tau? Mcm nyawa aku.” Zulaika berkata dan ketawa girang. Bile plak die ckp sume tu kat aku eh? Jap! Masa…aku… rompak die dulu kan?!
“Wah! Bagusnye memori kau eh? Ko ingt lg eh? Hehehe.” Aku ketawa dgn tidak ikhlas utk nak menutup rasa malu aku.klakar betul. Mst die tau…
“tapi kan… aku tak rasa sunyi lagi. Ko kan ade.” Ayat die buatkan aku gembira. Tapi luka juga semakin mmbesar did lm hati aku sbb aku tau ruang di antara aku dgn die semakin luas dan masa antara kami semakin singkat.
~~~~~~
Dunia ni… klu aku nak kate dunia ni kejam tak adil jgak sbb dunia ni penah bg aku kegembiraan masa aku sgt perlukan. Dan kegembiraan yg aku rasa tu sgt indah.akumungkin takkan rasa ‘gembira’ ni sampai bile2 tpmemori yg ade semasa ‘gembira’ tu ade akn sentiasa ade. Dan klu semata2 dpt ingat je pun memori tentang Zulaika, kata2 die, aku dah cukup gembira…
“Ika,aku sayang ko.” Aku berkata. Masa tu die dah terlantar kat hospital. Die Nampak mcm biasa tapi aku tau die mendderita. Malah untuk bercakap saja pun akn memakan byk tenaga jadi aku tak pnah tnye die ape2 soalan. Aku Cuma akn bercerita je kat die tentang ape yg aku buat tiap2 hari. Die akn sentiasa senyum bile aku melawat die. Nurse2 pun ckp yg Zulaika Cuma Nampak gembira bile aku dtg. Sbb tu la aku sll dtg. Aku dtg bile aku da abes keje tiap2 hari teman die. Kdg2 aku bwk mak aku dtg skali. Mak aku pun sukakan die. Waktu aku ckp aku syang die sebenarnya aku ingin bgtau die yg aku sygkan die lebih dari seorg kwn, lebih dr seorg kekasih, lebih dari… diri aku sendiri.
Tapi die cume menyebut nama aku dan tersenyum. Senyuman kau manis, Zulaika tp air mata kau mengalir dan aku plak cuba sedaya upaya untuk mmpertahankan air mata aku yg menjerit2 ingin dilepaskan untuk menitis. Suara kau waktu kau sebut nama aku indah sekali. Aku tak tau mcm mana nk terangkan btapa indah suara kau. Tiada bunyi lain seindah itu. Mungkin klu sama pun… dgn bunyi desiran ombak di pantai? Ye. Lebih kurang mcm tu… cukup menenangkan, cukup menggembirakan, dan cukup mengecewakan. Itu kali terakhir aku dgr dari kau…
Esoknye bile aku dtg, aku tau sumenye sudah berakhir. Tapi, aku masih berdiri di sebelah katil Zulaika. Aku tidak berani mnyelak kain putih yg menutup wajahnya. Aku sayangkan die. Aku sayang insan ini dan adakah aku berdosa jika aku takkan berhenti menyayangi die? Aku akan terus pertahankan rasa ini sehinggalah ajal menjemput aku pergi, dan mungkin aku akn dpt berjumpa dgn kau lagi…
~EXTRA~
Novel yg Zulaika tulis sudah keluar. Aku dah lama tunggu saat ni! Tapi, selama ni ego aku sbg lelaki yg menahan dan menafikan titisan air mata dari menitis itu telah pecah dgn ayt yg Zulaika semadikan di ats novel itu; “aku mencintai seorg lelaki yg takkan bersamaku bile aku dah tiada tp sentiasa ada dekat dihatiku hingga saat terakhir. Aiman, aku tau inipermintaan yg agk mementingkan diri sendiri tapi, bolehkah kau terus ingat aku walaupun aku sudah tiada?”
Ye.. aku mcm deorg jgak dulu. Dengan penuh rasa ingin tahu, dgn penuh rasa tidak peduli, dgn penuh kebodohan, aku melangkah ke alm percintaan. Dia sgt cantik. Aku ingat lagi masa mule2 aku Nampak die. Mcm seorg puteri raja…. Die akn dduk kat meja mkn tepi tingkap restoran yg sama smbil menaip sesuatu dgn laptop die, buku2 yg terbuka ade kat sekeliling die dan die akn rujuk buku2 tu sebelum kembali menaip. Mmg mcm seorg puteri. Dan aku benci puteri mcm tu. Die ank org kaya. Sah2 akn dpt segala yg die nak. Aku plak ayah tinggalkan mak aku smpai mak aku terpaksa buat kerja terkutuk utk terus bela aku! Aku benci ayh aku! Tak lama lepas tu, aku sedar yg aku mula mmbenci sume org kat sekeliling aku mcm seolah2 dunia ni, cuma aku je yg tau erti penderitaan… tp perempuan tu, yg dduk kat meja mkn dan kelihatan gembira tu, mungkin lebih byk memderita dari aku…
Ini cerita tentang aku. Tentang pengorbanan, patah hati, kasih sayang dan yg lebih penting, ia mengajar kita tentang risiko sesuatu perkata. Tak kira ape yg kita buat, sentiasa ade akibatnye sama ade elok atau pun tak. Tp sentiasa ade blasan utk setiap tindakan kite. Dan lelaki bodoh mcm aku ni akan mnceritakan kisahnye dari seorg yg tak bergune kpd aku sekarang yg lebih matang wlaupun masih sedikit bodoh. Hahahah!
~~~~
Die mmg cantik. Nampak gayanye mcm ank org kaya. Ade laptop, fon 3g, ipod… ah bencinye! Lebih lagi sebenarnye, aku cemburu. Ye,aku cemburu. Aku slalu perhatikan die dr luar restoran tu.bagus jgak ye die sll plih utk dduk kat tepi tingkap yg same setiap kali. Tp niat aku perhatikan die bukan sbb aku nak jatuh cinta ke ape. Aku nak… rompak die! Org yg bleh dpt segala yg deorg nak ni kene diajar cket, biar deorg tau makna kehilangan…
Da 3 minggu straight aku perhatikan die. Aku da tau rutin die. Die akan dtg ke restoran tiap2 kali lebih kurang dlm pkul 3ptg dan akn blik dlm pkul 6 @ 6.30ptg. die akn jln ikut banggunan area shopping mall tu. pastu die akn lalu lorong blakang, jln pintas tu ke rumah die (target for attack time!). Rumah die yg kat kawasan perumahan banglo2 mewah tu (aku da agak dah!) dan setiap kali aku tgk diemasuk ke kawasn tu, aku cemburu. Aku tak dpt terus ikut die sbb kwsn tu ade pakgad. Aku just mampu tgk je puteri raja tu masuk ke kawasn istana die ke arah mahligai indah yg takkan mengecewakan. Die agak sengal sbb slame ni die tak pnah pun perasan yg aku sll perhati dan mengekori die. Bodoh! Ank org kaya mmg bodoh kot. Aku mst dpt byk duit kali ni…
Operation begins! Sebaik je die masuk lorong blakang tu,aku terus dekat dgn die dan tolak die kuat2 ke dinding. Aku kluarkan pisau dan ugut die mcm pro,”nyawa atau duit!” die cpt2 kluarkan purse die dan bg kat aku..
“amek je sume duit dlm tu. Jgn amek kad pengenalan aku sudah!” Die ckp.
Ah! Mcm la aku bodoh sgt pmpuan ni! “Aku nk buat ape dgn ic kau?!” aku jerkah dan aku cpt2 tarik beg die. Buku2 die berterabur di ats lantai.
“Buku aku!” Die jerit. “Bodoh!! Ko nak sgt duit, ko amek jer la duit! Jgn kacobuku2 aku!! Ni nyawa aku, hidup aku,kekasih aku!” wah mrh betol nmpaknye minah ni. Giler obsess ngn buku2 die beb. Die lekas2 kutep buku2 die.
“bg aku laptop ko.” Aku ckp.
Die tgk aku dgn penuh geram. “ko ni tak bersyukur langsung! Aku da bg duit kan? Jgn kaco laptop aku. Sume keje2 aku kat dlm tu penting! Penting tau tak?! Ko mmg nak kene!”
Itulah hari yang plg bersejarah dlm hidup aku. Die yg blasah aku dgn dasyatnye. Aku patah tulang rusuk dan tak kurang juga beberapa tempat yg lain berbalut kain putih. Sakit, sakit. Aku mnyesal mintak laptop die atau kacobuku2 die. Rupanya tough chick minah tu. Tp yg plg aku ingat, ayat2 die mase die blasah aku. “ko nak jd ape, hah? Tak reti bersyukur ke dgn ape yg tuhan da bg?! Ko ade kaki,ade tgn, ade mulut, sihat walafiat! Buat la bende yg berfaedah dgn sume tu! Bahlul!!! Bahlul ke-tiga belas!!!!” tp yg ironiknye. Sume duet dlm purse die, die masukan dlm poket aku sblm die pg. “jd la org yg berguna slagi ko msh bleh bernyawa.” Itu ayt die yg terakhir. Aku tak tau knape tp wkt tu, ayat tu mcm imej yg turun dr hati die dan bertukar kepada kata dgn penuh nota kesedihan.
~~~~~
Bile aku da sihat, aku perhatikan die lg dr luar restoran yg sama. Die msh mcm tu. Msh obsess dgn buku2 die, dgn laptop die. Mungkin betul ckp die, tu sume nyawa die… aku rasa perasaan benci dan cemburu yg aku rasa sebelum ni da berkembang menjadi satu perasaan yg baru. Perasaan yg mudah dtang tp susah untuk pergi – cinta. Mungkin rasa ni susah utk pergi sbb org yg aku cinta tu adalh die. Die lain… dan sblm aku sedar akn kenyataan, akn bahaya yg mendatang, aku telah hanyut…
Memandangkan aku telah hanyut, aku telah mengambil satu langkah yg baru menuju ke arah kebahagiaan dan juga… kesengsaraan. Aku mula buat kerja sambilan kat restoran tu. Aku berhenti sekolah sbb aku tak pandai pun dlm blajar dan aku taknak mak aku buat bende yg tak sepatutnye lagi utk aku. Aku akn tanggung mak aku dan diri aku sendiri. Mak aku menagis bile aku buat keputusan mcm tu. Die nk aku ade masa depan. Ape yg aku ckp kat mak aku? Dgn ikhlas, “Aiman pun nak mak ade masa depan. Kite same2 bleh capai masa depan yg cerah kan? Tak adil untuk mak. Aiman taknak mak menderita lagi. Selama ni kita berdua Cuma mnderita. Kite kene gembira. Ayah gembira kat luar sana kan? Mana adil klu kite pun tak gembira.” Mak aku nanges lebih teruk lepas tu. Aku tak pasti kenapa tp aku terus berada di sisi die waktu tu.
Nampaknye die tak ingat aku. Da byk kali aku serve die, amek order die. Die mcm tak ingat aku je.. aku ade la rasa sikit kecewa. Tp kan… lg bagus klu die tak ingt kan? Aku cube rompak die kan? So,klu die tak ingat pun lg bagus. Bleh start dr awl dgn lbih baik. Heheheh.
“ape yg ko tulis tu?” aku tnye die bile aku anta mknan die. Die akn sentiasa order bende yg sama. (nani desu ne?omotta na!). tiap kali die dtg, bile aku nak amek order die akan ckp ‘mcm biasa…’ dan tak lama lepas tu aku plak akn tnye ‘mcm biase lg eh?’ . da jd kebiasaan… mungkin hubungan aku ngn die da ade sedikit peningkatan? Aku tersenyum bile aku pikir mcm tu.
“Novel…” die kate.
“cerita psl ape?” aku tanye lg.
“psl kesunyian, kesedihan, dan kesengsaraan.” Die kate dan hati aku agaksakit bile aku dgr sume tu. Adakah ape yg die ckp tu ade menggambarkan sedikit tentang diri die sndiri?
“bagus jgak genre mcm tu. Bleh aku baca bileko da siap?” aku tnye.
“of course!” die ckp dan tersenyum manis.
Aku pun senyum. Aku mmg da nak blah dari situ tp ade lg satu yg aku rasa aku ptt ckp pd die. Klu betul sume tu yg die rasa, die tak keseorgan. Aku sendiri pun ade kisah aku masa aku sunyi,masa aku sedih,dan juga masa aku sengsara. Cuma yg berbeza Cuma situasi itu. Dan jenis kesengsaraan yg kami lalui mungkin berbeza. Tp klu kami sama2 sengsara, km tak bersendirian la kan? Sbb aku ade dan die pun ade. Rasa sengsara tu bleh satukan kita… “sunyi,sedih,sengsara… sume org pun akn lalui semua tu kan?” aku ckp dgn penuh makna tersendiri.
Die senyumlg,lebih manis kali ni dan seolah2 spt die akn menangis. “terima kasih.” Itu je yg die ckp. Mungkin die phm maksud aku.
~~~~~
Aku dgn die da jd kwn. Nama die Zulaika. Cantik kan nama tu? km berkongsi mcm2 cerita. Aku cerita kisah hidup aku, tentang ayh aku, tentang mak aku. Dan aku pun makin tau tentang die yg mmbuatkan aku rasa kehilangan wlaupun die msih ade di dpn mata aku. Die takde mak atau ayah. Sume keluarga die dah meninggal kerana satu penyakit keturunan. Die yg terakhir. Die tak bgtau aku tp aku dapat agak yg die juga menghidap penyakit yg sama. Die ckp die akn mengakhiri sumpahan keluarga die dgn kemtian die. Die taknak lagi org seterusnye menderita.mungkin sebab itu kot die sll bersendirian?
Kenapa? Kenapa akumsh berada di sisi perempuan ni? Sedangkan aku tau suatu hari nnt aku dan die akn pasti berpisah. Tp tak ape. Slagi masa msh mengizinkan kami bersama,walaupun sekejap, aku nak bersama dgn die.
“Aiman,sbb tu la aku ckplaptop aku tu penting tau? Mcm nyawa aku.” Zulaika berkata dan ketawa girang. Bile plak die ckp sume tu kat aku eh? Jap! Masa…aku… rompak die dulu kan?!
“Wah! Bagusnye memori kau eh? Ko ingt lg eh? Hehehe.” Aku ketawa dgn tidak ikhlas utk nak menutup rasa malu aku.klakar betul. Mst die tau…
“tapi kan… aku tak rasa sunyi lagi. Ko kan ade.” Ayat die buatkan aku gembira. Tapi luka juga semakin mmbesar did lm hati aku sbb aku tau ruang di antara aku dgn die semakin luas dan masa antara kami semakin singkat.
~~~~~~
Dunia ni… klu aku nak kate dunia ni kejam tak adil jgak sbb dunia ni penah bg aku kegembiraan masa aku sgt perlukan. Dan kegembiraan yg aku rasa tu sgt indah.akumungkin takkan rasa ‘gembira’ ni sampai bile2 tpmemori yg ade semasa ‘gembira’ tu ade akn sentiasa ade. Dan klu semata2 dpt ingat je pun memori tentang Zulaika, kata2 die, aku dah cukup gembira…
“Ika,aku sayang ko.” Aku berkata. Masa tu die dah terlantar kat hospital. Die Nampak mcm biasa tapi aku tau die mendderita. Malah untuk bercakap saja pun akn memakan byk tenaga jadi aku tak pnah tnye die ape2 soalan. Aku Cuma akn bercerita je kat die tentang ape yg aku buat tiap2 hari. Die akn sentiasa senyum bile aku melawat die. Nurse2 pun ckp yg Zulaika Cuma Nampak gembira bile aku dtg. Sbb tu la aku sll dtg. Aku dtg bile aku da abes keje tiap2 hari teman die. Kdg2 aku bwk mak aku dtg skali. Mak aku pun sukakan die. Waktu aku ckp aku syang die sebenarnya aku ingin bgtau die yg aku sygkan die lebih dari seorg kwn, lebih dr seorg kekasih, lebih dari… diri aku sendiri.
Tapi die cume menyebut nama aku dan tersenyum. Senyuman kau manis, Zulaika tp air mata kau mengalir dan aku plak cuba sedaya upaya untuk mmpertahankan air mata aku yg menjerit2 ingin dilepaskan untuk menitis. Suara kau waktu kau sebut nama aku indah sekali. Aku tak tau mcm mana nk terangkan btapa indah suara kau. Tiada bunyi lain seindah itu. Mungkin klu sama pun… dgn bunyi desiran ombak di pantai? Ye. Lebih kurang mcm tu… cukup menenangkan, cukup menggembirakan, dan cukup mengecewakan. Itu kali terakhir aku dgr dari kau…
Esoknye bile aku dtg, aku tau sumenye sudah berakhir. Tapi, aku masih berdiri di sebelah katil Zulaika. Aku tidak berani mnyelak kain putih yg menutup wajahnya. Aku sayangkan die. Aku sayang insan ini dan adakah aku berdosa jika aku takkan berhenti menyayangi die? Aku akan terus pertahankan rasa ini sehinggalah ajal menjemput aku pergi, dan mungkin aku akn dpt berjumpa dgn kau lagi…
~EXTRA~
Novel yg Zulaika tulis sudah keluar. Aku dah lama tunggu saat ni! Tapi, selama ni ego aku sbg lelaki yg menahan dan menafikan titisan air mata dari menitis itu telah pecah dgn ayt yg Zulaika semadikan di ats novel itu; “aku mencintai seorg lelaki yg takkan bersamaku bile aku dah tiada tp sentiasa ada dekat dihatiku hingga saat terakhir. Aiman, aku tau inipermintaan yg agk mementingkan diri sendiri tapi, bolehkah kau terus ingat aku walaupun aku sudah tiada?”
Friday, October 3, 2008
Their Little Perfect World
Where in the world do I come from? I could not have come from this perfect system. I don't quite seem to fit in.
I would definitely give all of my worthless clothes to my sisters. They must've look even more beautiful in them.
Well, I regret all those times fighting with my little sister over this rotten teddy bear. I will just give it to her.
Oh! My precious-no-more laptop and the digital collections of mine! I will let my brother have them. He would like that.
My mother and father? They'll have the rests of the things that left. I don't need all of these anymore
There… they would be very happy now, wouldn't they?
Oh god! I forgot about my boyfriend! Well, sometimes I think that I don't deserve him. I bet he'll be happy too without me
I think I would give him back all the old, forgotten love letters and presents that he used to give me. He can also have my diary for sure. That is of course if he even wants it. Why would he even bother wanting to read a story about this sick-minded girl?
One final thing; perhaps I should write that down before I pull this trigger…
I would definitely give all of my worthless clothes to my sisters. They must've look even more beautiful in them.
Well, I regret all those times fighting with my little sister over this rotten teddy bear. I will just give it to her.
Oh! My precious-no-more laptop and the digital collections of mine! I will let my brother have them. He would like that.
My mother and father? They'll have the rests of the things that left. I don't need all of these anymore
There… they would be very happy now, wouldn't they?
Oh god! I forgot about my boyfriend! Well, sometimes I think that I don't deserve him. I bet he'll be happy too without me
I think I would give him back all the old, forgotten love letters and presents that he used to give me. He can also have my diary for sure. That is of course if he even wants it. Why would he even bother wanting to read a story about this sick-minded girl?
One final thing; perhaps I should write that down before I pull this trigger…
The Mirror
I'm supposed to be dead. Am I dead? But I'm still breathing now. What happened? I thought I had already slit my wrist that night. I'm sure that I've been gone for seconds. But why am I lying on this hospital bed right now? Do I want to live?
There, my boyfriend came through the door. I knew him. But do I? I killed myself for him isn't it? He hurt me even worse than when I hurt myself. Inside of me had already died before I'm gone. I'm breathing but dying inside. Why?
I'm home now; in the very room where I try to die, in front of that mirror, the white floor that was covered with blood before had been clean off. But in my mind, it still is stained with blood, my own blood...
He lay beside me now, asleep. I almost closed my eyes when I heard his voice calling me. I looked at him but he is sound asleep. I thought he called me. But then I heard that very same voice calling to me. It came from the mirror.
I get up and went to the mirror. From inside the mirror, the voice asked me, "Do you remember?"
And memories floated my mind... on the other side of the mirror, the girl slit her wrist while me from this side of the mirror is dying out of an uncured disease. I wanted to live so much that my spirit flown out and went through the mirror to that other world and entered her body so that I can live...
As he stretch out his hands for me through the mirror, I grabbed it and went back to my world with this different body. From here, I can see that the guy from the other side of the mirror is looking for me, looking for something that he had left broken before, looking for something that no longer exist...
There, my boyfriend came through the door. I knew him. But do I? I killed myself for him isn't it? He hurt me even worse than when I hurt myself. Inside of me had already died before I'm gone. I'm breathing but dying inside. Why?
I'm home now; in the very room where I try to die, in front of that mirror, the white floor that was covered with blood before had been clean off. But in my mind, it still is stained with blood, my own blood...
He lay beside me now, asleep. I almost closed my eyes when I heard his voice calling me. I looked at him but he is sound asleep. I thought he called me. But then I heard that very same voice calling to me. It came from the mirror.
I get up and went to the mirror. From inside the mirror, the voice asked me, "Do you remember?"
And memories floated my mind... on the other side of the mirror, the girl slit her wrist while me from this side of the mirror is dying out of an uncured disease. I wanted to live so much that my spirit flown out and went through the mirror to that other world and entered her body so that I can live...
As he stretch out his hands for me through the mirror, I grabbed it and went back to my world with this different body. From here, I can see that the guy from the other side of the mirror is looking for me, looking for something that he had left broken before, looking for something that no longer exist...
The Guy I Admired Most
It's a very extra-ordinary feeling for me to have. Nevertheless, it's beautiful… I like the way he smells. It's like how angles ought to smell. I like the way he put his t-shirt on. It fits him well. Everything seems to fit him well. And most of all, I love him for him. I knew him since we were in primary school. I remember the first day I met him. He's so vulnerable, so weak, yet so interesting…
The kids in school, they bullied him and I'm the one who came to his rescue. I was well-known for my coldness nature, my wealthy family, and how I've brutally fought back those who had tried to bring me down. They all were very frightened of me. Thus, nobody since then ever dare to lay their hands on him again.
We became close afterwards. No matter how cold I behave towards him, he never left my side; he always there for me. Though I treat him bad, he seems to know that he held a very special place inside my heart.
I was rather sad today though I do not cry. He's leaving soon. He'll be studying in New York. I'm happy for him; I really do no matter how much I hide those feelings. Neither he nor anyone knows how I really feel inside. He said that I'm a good friend. That's all I'd ever be for him, I guess. But it startled me that when he had his luggage and ready to walk out the gate, he came back to me and kiss my cheek. I'll never forget the words he said that very last moment of seeing his face, "You've been really good to me. You will always be a guy whom I admired most. I love you…" And tears fall down my cheek…
The kids in school, they bullied him and I'm the one who came to his rescue. I was well-known for my coldness nature, my wealthy family, and how I've brutally fought back those who had tried to bring me down. They all were very frightened of me. Thus, nobody since then ever dare to lay their hands on him again.
We became close afterwards. No matter how cold I behave towards him, he never left my side; he always there for me. Though I treat him bad, he seems to know that he held a very special place inside my heart.
I was rather sad today though I do not cry. He's leaving soon. He'll be studying in New York. I'm happy for him; I really do no matter how much I hide those feelings. Neither he nor anyone knows how I really feel inside. He said that I'm a good friend. That's all I'd ever be for him, I guess. But it startled me that when he had his luggage and ready to walk out the gate, he came back to me and kiss my cheek. I'll never forget the words he said that very last moment of seeing his face, "You've been really good to me. You will always be a guy whom I admired most. I love you…" And tears fall down my cheek…
My Three Best-Friends
My three best-friends will always be there for me…
Oh! What would I be without my three dear friends…
The first one will always be there for me to help me coping with the stress in my every pitiful day
The second one will always help to put me to sleep when I think too much and I could not close my eyes
And my last one was very quiet and static but it shines and reflects all the light that surrounds me. Oh! The only one who would end my sorrowful life and bring me happiness
Well now, without them I would never know how to live
But, I do believe that everything that live will certainly die
It'll be sad to leave them behind.
Oh! My precious anti-depressant pills, sleeping pills and my sharp knife,
You will always be here in my heart as my three best-friends….
Oh! What would I be without my three dear friends…
The first one will always be there for me to help me coping with the stress in my every pitiful day
The second one will always help to put me to sleep when I think too much and I could not close my eyes
And my last one was very quiet and static but it shines and reflects all the light that surrounds me. Oh! The only one who would end my sorrowful life and bring me happiness
Well now, without them I would never know how to live
But, I do believe that everything that live will certainly die
It'll be sad to leave them behind.
Oh! My precious anti-depressant pills, sleeping pills and my sharp knife,
You will always be here in my heart as my three best-friends….
My Beautiful Life
This is not a love story. Cause I don't believe in love stories. This is hatred. My life revolves around it. Some of you might ever have been through the same but I wonder if you are capable enough to do what I've done and what I'm about to do. Would you guys out there be kind enough to me by reading what I have wrote here, please? Listen to my story…
Ever since when I was little, I've been brutally abused by my father. Yes… my father since birth. Since my mom died, all he ever does is to hurt me as if her death was the result of my fault; the fault of a six year-old fragile child of his. He was then captured several years later and I've been sent to the orphanage. Unfortunately, he's been abusing me long enough to completely change me. I'm no longer the little sweet innocence fragile child. Every bruises, every cuts, every tears, every hatred he put in me created the new me. And I think this is all that I ever deserve to feel in this wicked world.
It wasn't so happy living in the orphanage. Though they were being nice to me and all, I can't help but hate them. Maybe the hatred have been buried deep in me that I can't help but only hate everyone except for myself.
At the age of 21, leaving the orphanage makes me feel alive and had become a starting point for me. It's time for me to change the world. This is my destiny.
It begins when I was driving in my car and I parked it outside of a store one night around 2 A.M. a guy came into my car and shove a knife at my waist telling me to keep quiet. I don't like the way he look at me. I hate him. So I struggle with him for his knife. I suddenly become so strong and full of spirit. And when I finally got it, I strike it straight into his chest. Oh! My God! I'm so happy! I love his screams; the sound of it chilled me out. The sight of his blood pouring out of him was beautiful. Oh, before I forget, I really like the fact that he is now scared and slowly, barely, got out of my car with tears of pain. He was such a baby! It's really is an exciting experience for me. Oh! The good old days! It was the first time I ever remembered being happy.
To tell you the truth, I don't really care if he really strikes that knife into me. I don't even care if I die. I would've welcomed it. Well, however, I still would love to know what it's like to feel to take somebody's life. Oh! I'm laughing hysterically as I wrote this! I'm happy! I'm so happy!
Hmmm…. When was it that I felt that same sensation again, huh? Oh! Yeah! The time when I killed that stupid old man! It was a bit different from the first time. This is far more exciting and thrilling! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
I went to a trip out of town last Monday. That stupid old man was silly enough to start to flirt with me when it's obvious that I wasn't interested. He even invited me to his hotel room that night. Huh! I would really love to satisfy my passion after all. As soon as I got into his room before he could get his dirty hands on me, I sliced his stomach open! What a wonderful sight! I love it! Love it! As he screamed, I sliced some more and more and more and more! Until he stopped screaming that is… I've never felt so wonderful!
It's already a long time since I last seen the man who created me. I heard that he was already out of prison for so long and was working somewhere I knew to improve himself. I really would like to meet him and thank him for making me this way. He would've loved to see his long-lost daughter. This will be my third happiness… I'm on my way to see him now. I'll make it really long and painful. What a beautiful life I had!!
Ever since when I was little, I've been brutally abused by my father. Yes… my father since birth. Since my mom died, all he ever does is to hurt me as if her death was the result of my fault; the fault of a six year-old fragile child of his. He was then captured several years later and I've been sent to the orphanage. Unfortunately, he's been abusing me long enough to completely change me. I'm no longer the little sweet innocence fragile child. Every bruises, every cuts, every tears, every hatred he put in me created the new me. And I think this is all that I ever deserve to feel in this wicked world.
It wasn't so happy living in the orphanage. Though they were being nice to me and all, I can't help but hate them. Maybe the hatred have been buried deep in me that I can't help but only hate everyone except for myself.
At the age of 21, leaving the orphanage makes me feel alive and had become a starting point for me. It's time for me to change the world. This is my destiny.
It begins when I was driving in my car and I parked it outside of a store one night around 2 A.M. a guy came into my car and shove a knife at my waist telling me to keep quiet. I don't like the way he look at me. I hate him. So I struggle with him for his knife. I suddenly become so strong and full of spirit. And when I finally got it, I strike it straight into his chest. Oh! My God! I'm so happy! I love his screams; the sound of it chilled me out. The sight of his blood pouring out of him was beautiful. Oh, before I forget, I really like the fact that he is now scared and slowly, barely, got out of my car with tears of pain. He was such a baby! It's really is an exciting experience for me. Oh! The good old days! It was the first time I ever remembered being happy.
To tell you the truth, I don't really care if he really strikes that knife into me. I don't even care if I die. I would've welcomed it. Well, however, I still would love to know what it's like to feel to take somebody's life. Oh! I'm laughing hysterically as I wrote this! I'm happy! I'm so happy!
Hmmm…. When was it that I felt that same sensation again, huh? Oh! Yeah! The time when I killed that stupid old man! It was a bit different from the first time. This is far more exciting and thrilling! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
I went to a trip out of town last Monday. That stupid old man was silly enough to start to flirt with me when it's obvious that I wasn't interested. He even invited me to his hotel room that night. Huh! I would really love to satisfy my passion after all. As soon as I got into his room before he could get his dirty hands on me, I sliced his stomach open! What a wonderful sight! I love it! Love it! As he screamed, I sliced some more and more and more and more! Until he stopped screaming that is… I've never felt so wonderful!
It's already a long time since I last seen the man who created me. I heard that he was already out of prison for so long and was working somewhere I knew to improve himself. I really would like to meet him and thank him for making me this way. He would've loved to see his long-lost daughter. This will be my third happiness… I'm on my way to see him now. I'll make it really long and painful. What a beautiful life I had!!
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